Note:
This book review initiative by Dr. Kidd in collaboration with the PTO, is created to offer insight into the emotional world of teenagers, presented in a book club-style format. Your perspective not only enriches the discussion but also helps better understand how the themes and messages resonate with families. Whether it's a quick comment, a deeper reflection, or a question you'd like to explore, your input is always welcome and highly valued. Let’s make this a shared journey of learning and connection!
The book:
Damour, L. (2024). Emotional lives of teenagers: Raising connected, capable, and compassionate adolescents. Ballantine Books.
An urgently needed guide to help parents understand their teenagers’ intense and often fraught emotional lives and how to support them through this critical developmental stage from the New York Times bestselling author of Untangled and Under Pressure.
Part 3:
Chapters 4 & 5: Managing Emotions: Part 1 & 2
Part 1:
I enjoyed this chapter as I confirmed a lot that I have been told and have seen. I also was able to get a solid understanding of how to work with teens who need help managing emotions. Also, I took some notes for myself.
Emotional Regulation can be defined as the ideal management of feelings. Damour (2024) breaks down the massive field into two points: "(1) gaming relief from destabilizing emotions by finding healthy ways to express them, and (2) when necessary, taking a break from unwanted emotions by using healthy tactics to rein them in" (p.113). Simply put, how do we help our teens define their feelings and get them to work through it. Just because something scares me does not mean I should never be around it. A job interview, for example, is one of the most stressful situations that an individual can be in. Just because it causes stress does not mean that I should seek to avoid it. Instead, we need to flip the script and see it in a different light. It's an opportunity, not a hindrance.
Naming the thing:
Damour (2024) writes that when teenagers can articulate their feelings, there is a considerable benefit. They write that "improving specificity puts the power of verbalizing feelings on steroids" (p. 121). The one that I often hear in the hallways has to do with anxiety – which is a huge expression. Instead, what the author suggests is to bring definition to the feeling – the example that they give is that if a teenager can define that they feel bitter or jealous versus mad or angry, then the specificity allows for a verbalization to occur and that there is a bigger understanding of what they're feeling. Naming the thing is powerful.
Though much of the book touches on the idea that teenagers have to go through it to get from it, Damour (2024) takes this moment to state that the adult needs to make sure that their teenager is in a position to grow and not be toppled by the stress or environment that they're navigating.
"Teens will sometimes feel nervous, but that nervousness should not be so acutely or persistently expressed that it gets in the way of going to school, spending time with peers, or doing things that they ought to be doing. Teens will sometimes feel angry, but their expression of anger should not be so powerful and persuasive that it hamstrings them from making or keeping friends. Teens will sometimes feel sad, but the expression of sadness should not sweep beside their ability to be hopeful, happy, or productive. If this is happening, it's time to seek a professional evaluation, as the team may be suffering from an anxiety disorder, mood disorder, or something else" (Damour, 2024, p. 144).
We need to be sure that they are allowed to fall, learn and experience but be the safety net to catch them should the situation arise.
Part 2: Helping teens regain emotional control
This chapter asks one question and then answers this with 4 reason.
The question: Why do we need to give emotional expression a chance to work before we guide teenagers to corral their emotions instead?
The answer:
1. Helping them find a healthy outlet for uncomfortable feelings.
a. Discussion, having a good cry, working out – etc…
b. Provides the relief that they need.
2. Making ourselves available.
a. Our lives are incredibly demanding and complex, and making time for our teenagers so that they can come to us about their ups and downs.
b. Strengthens the relationship that you are able to build.
3. Demonstrating our interest in what's bothering our teens.
a. Not only do we then model compassion, but we're also getting a chance to see what our teens see.
4. Damour writes that nothing will work unless we've given emotional expression a chance.
The rest of the chapter focuses on strategies that might benefit specific situations and experiences you're having with your students. My personal favorite was the section on how to give advice to teenagers.
Damour (2024) brings a hard lesson when writing that the comments that we provide to them close them off. "It's extremely difficult for most teenagers (we're adults, for that matter) to be open to advice until they feel they've been heard out. If a teenager asks for your advice, by all means give it. But if a teen is venting, you will almost certainly need to listen, empathize, and perhaps offer an emotionally granular encapsulation" (p. 172).
Instead, figure out what they're trying to vent about and whether your advice or guidance is what they're asking for. Sometimes, much like my own life, it's better to get it off my chest, and then I'm done with it. Just because I'm bringing something up doesn't necessarily mean I'm asking for a suggestion or a way to approach the situation.
Conclusion:
The book was a good and quick read – though I've addressed most of what was written in the book, there were some other parts of the book that deal with issues that impact an older teenager than the ones that I have the opportunity to work with. Overall, I was able to take some solid points from the book and apply it to my practice as an educator and a father.
The author concludes with a powerful statement. They define the job that an adolescent is tasked with:
"The main task of adolescence is to become a freestanding , defined individual, so teens naturally need to put more than average focus on themselves. But it also means that teens can easily get caught up in their own concerns, sometimes losing the sight of bigger picture. This usually isn't a big issue, and regardless, it tends to resolve itself as young people grow through and pass their teenage selves. At times, however, teens can be preoccupied and self-focused concerns in ways that aggravate their emotional discomfort. When that happens, research shows that helping teens step outside of themselves and observe the situation from a third-person perspective can help in two ways: it reduces their overall distress, and it allows them to think more rationally about the challenges that they're facing" (p. 172).
Ultimately, I appreciated the ideas presented and could see some of the points the author was trying to suggest and make. Ultimately, suppose we want our students to be capable of navigating the complex problems of the world. In that case, they need to start practicing at some point. The teenage years are an incredible transition for our students, and we need to make sure that they can make mistakes that don't cripple them and allow them to have experiences that they can learn from. As if being a parent or educator wasn't hard enough, we have to know the fine line of letting them swim and when to throw a lifeline. Getting our teens engaged, understanding what they're going through, and being there to support them are key goals that the book outlines. The book was approachable and a good read.
With this, we conclude the final edition of our Book Review for the year. We hope the book review of The Emotional Lives of Teenagers offered meaningful insights and thoughtful reflection. Thank you for your continued support and engagement. We look forward to bringing you more enriching reviews in the coming school year.
For questions and comments related to the book review, please reply to this email!
Dr. Kidd will respond to your inquiries, offering insights from both his perspective as an educator and his detailed reading of the book.
