Note:
This book review initiative by Dr. Kidd in collaboration with the PTO, is created to offer insight into the emotional world of teenagers, presented in a book club-style format. Your perspective not only enriches the discussion but also helps better understand how the themes and messages resonate with families. Whether it's a quick comment, a deeper reflection, or a question you'd like to explore, your input is always welcome and highly valued. Let’s make this a shared journey of learning and connection!
The book:
Damour, L. (2024). Emotional lives of teenagers: Raising connected, capable, and compassionate adolescents. Ballantine Books.
An urgently needed guide to help parents understand their teenagers’ intense and often fraught emotional lives and how to support them through this critical developmental stage from the New York Times bestselling author of Untangled and Under Pressure.
Part 2:
Chapter 2: Gender and Emotion
Chapter 2 focuses on the ideas of gender, how students grow up with gender, and the importance of understanding the cultural focus of gender as it relates to how students might approach or solve problems. In particular, it looks at addressing and understanding several factors that scientists are studying right now – talking to girls about anger, getting boys to talk about their emotions, how peers may reinforce gender roles, harassment based on ideas of gender, and lastly, self-esteem. Though most of this chapter is interesting, for me, the cultural nuances of gender should be stated, and thus, I'm going to focus my efforts on what Damour (2024) writes about the importance of self-esteem and how to build it in our students.
My big takeaway from this is also echoed in another book that I'm reading about parenting a toddler – the connection between this and that was incredible and it came from a place that I was not expecting. Damour (2024) argues that the "reliable way to ensure self-esteem is to be of service to others." (p.68). They argue that being of service to others allows the individual to see past themselves while providing worth to another.
I found the following paragraph to be of insight.
"But when our kids make themselves useful, two good things happen at once. First, their attention is pulled outward, and they get a break from worrying about their own concerns and shortcomings. Second, they are reminded of all that they have to offer. As people sometimes say, it's hard to be sad and useful at the same time. In addition to being of service, tweens and teenagers also benefit when they have time for pursuits that are meaningful and important to them and are not done for the sake of a grade, or credit, or their college applications" (Damour, 2024, p. 68).
I love the line – it's hard to be sad and useful at the same time. It's interesting to see that the human connection of community and service to others can be one of the pillars of the complex idea of self-esteem. It connects us to others in a way that shows our value and the tangible expression that comes about from such interactions.
The chapter ends with a powerful reminder and warning. Teenagers "need to have a dependable source of self-esteem for when they arrive at puberty and are faced with a host of new challenges" (P. 69). Drawing from my own experiences, I can surely agree with the necessity of the reservoir.
Chapter 3 Seismic Shift: How adolescence puts a new emotional spin on everyday life
Walking the halls every day, I have the fantastic opportunity to see students trying to figure out what they want to do/be and what their brand will be. The way we have our school set up allows students to explore interests and have a wide variety of information thrown at them from the courses we offer and the standards we teach. Even when connections are not directly made, student's interest drives the class. I remember talking about imperialism in Africa. I had a student build a telegraph to show the class how it works. Connection and interest can come from any point. This interest is so necessary to the healthy development of our teens.
Damour(2024) writes that,
"Teenagers work hard at cultivating their emerging personal brand and often do so by throwing themselves into the things that they care about. Adolescents get serious about specific subjects in school, they're sports, they're artistic talents, other clubs and activities, or finding ways to make money" (p. 85).
These interests that are built become vehicles for passion. They begin to form their independent identity separate from the child's identity in the household. Damour describes this as the time when teenagers may start to get annoyed with our quirks as they try to get their own identity off of the ground and discover what emboldens them. The end goal, then, would be for them to have a healthy sense of standing apart and developing themselves.
The chapter then switches and focuses on conflict, technology, and how to support our teenagers. I agree with Damour (2024) when they write that our goal is not "to avoid conflicts, but whenever possible to have constructive ones" (p.89). A constructive one is where each party views and practices the idea of viewing it from each other's perspective. The author challenges the adult to flip the script and try to get their children to understand why something may not be a good idea and then why the teenager may think it's a great idea. Damour (2024) writes that the ability to be able to stand "in somebody's else's shoes blossoms as a result of the major renovation project underway in the adolescent brain" (P.89). This is good news and such an important skill to practice.
Also, in the realm of constructive conflicts, the author points out that teens benefit from having high standards set for their behavior because teens typically will try to meet the standards that are given to them. This is so important in the classroom as well. Studies have proven that "parents who talk openly with their teens about the risk they may face and who are able to articulate and enforce reasonable guidelines for behavior" tend to engage in less risky behavior (Damour, 2024, p. 89). Being open, setting standards, and walking them through the world they're entering allows them to have a baseline on how to act. I'm sure there will be slip-ups, which certainly were in my case, but consistency and open communication are key. Damour (2024) points out that it's key to make it about the teens' priorities and what we want for them. That makes sense as we're rooting the expectation in their individual goals, and thus, they're more likely to see the value in it.
Technology:
Healthy relationships with technology is key for the modern student. It's not just about how much they use it but rather the space it takes up in their lives. Damour (2024) outlines some guidelines that could help a parent look at the relationship and monitor it appropriately.
- Social Media Suggestions
- Monitor actively in the beginning and limit how much time they spend socializing online.
- Don't hesitate to start with ridged rules.
- Follow the rules that you set for your child.
- Keep certain areas or activities technology-free.
- For example, meals, short car rides, and other family activities.
- Social Media Boundaries
- Do not allow it in the bedroom – it interrupts sleep.
- Do not allow it behind closed doors – less likely to engage in risky behavior.
Engaging with your student:
If you are worried about your teen, Damour (2024) offers the following three pieces of advice. All are valid and important, even if you are not worried.
- Support your teen where their interests are –
- If they're not inspired by school or activities, find something they might be interested in. There are tons of classes, jobs, or other activities that might feed interest
- Go out of your way to empathize with your teen –
- They have to do things that they do not enjoy, and some of these things may not come naturally or easily. Seek to understand their reality.
- If you are really worried about their mental health –
- Seek out a mental health professional to rule out depression or any other disorder that may be impacting your teen. Healthy teens tend to cultivate strong interests.
The chapter ends with a major quote. Based on the path of empathy and seeking to understand the student's perspective and how they see the world, Damour (2024) offers advice for a healthy teenage experience:
"There's nothing wrong, of course, with students enthusiastically partaking in all that school has to offer. But learning can become unnecessarily stressful for teenagers who feel the need to excel on every assignment and every course period to combat needless perfectionism, once again, work from a buffet metaphor." No one expects you to like every subject or to like all of your classes equally. If you love math and want extra helpings, have at it but if you are not in a social studies, I think you should only consume as much as you need, whether for high enough grade or deep enough mastery, while protecting your time and energy for other things like sleep and having fun" (p. 109).
This chapter covers a lot, and at the core of it all: engage with your kids continue to maintain the high expectations that you have for them, and continue to put them in situations where they can demonstrate their ability to continue to mature.
Hope you enjoyed reading this captivating book review! For questions and comments related to the book review, please reply to this email!
Dr. Kidd will respond to your inquiries, offering insights from both his perspective as an educator and his detailed reading of the book.
